Lines I Can't Wait to Use
(but won't get the chance)
Like a lot of writers, I'm a cinemaphile. I love everything about a good film—the characters, plot, setting, direction and pacing—but what I especially appreciate is the dialogue. I live for the great line.
I always know when I'm enchanted with a line because I'll quote it to myself or Alexas for days, sometimes weeks, afterwards. We all have our favorite lines, but not many of us have a list of them that we can't wait to use. I'm one of these freaks.
Trouble is, in order for these choice lines to work, everything must line up perfectly. The situations are so specific, and the conditions so rare, that the opportunity to use the line will probably never come. Still, the readiness is all...
Below are the lines I can't wait to use, along with the situation in the film and THE BAD NEWS—the reasons I'll probably never get to use the line in a real-life situation.
THE MOVIE: ChinatownTHE LINE: "Forget it, Jake—it's Chinatown."
THE SITUATION: In the film, Jake has just seen his lover, Mrs. Mulwray, shot and killed in Chinatown. The cops tell Jake to get lost, and his partner, attempting to drag him away, delivers the line.
THE BAD NEWS: The problem is there are too many variables. First, I'd need to be in a Chinatown someplace (New York is most realistic because it's closest to me, although San Francisco isn't unrealistic because my in-laws live there). Next, I'd have to be in Chinatown when something bad went down AND a good friend of mine or business partner is involved in it. Then, in order for the line to be effective, my friend's/business partner's name ideally would have to rhyme with Jake (not many names fit this criterion) or at the very least have a hard consonant at the end: "Forget it, Jack—it's Chinatown." Nope, never gonna happen.
THE MOVIE: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance KidTHE LINE: "Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?"
THE SITUATION: In the film, Sundance chides partner Butch Cassidy for using so much dynamite to blow open a train safe that it ends up blowing up the entire boxcar.
THE BAD NEWS: First of all, while I do have a friend who knows how to use dynamite, I don't see myself tagging along anytime soon if he was using it to blow open something of value. And even if I did accompany him on such an adventure, because he knows what he's doing, I doubt he would use enough of it such that the item in question is completely blown to hell, thus making the line ironic. Finally, my friend is not named Butch. I don't know a Butch and am not likely to know one in the future, so this line, too, will never happen.
THE MOVIE: Dirty HarryTHE LINE: "Go on out and get some air, Fatso!"
THE SITUATION: In the film, Dirty Harry has cornered the Scorpio Killer in Kezar Stadium (in Golden Gate Park) when his partner, Frank DiGiorgio (a.k.a. "Fatso") asks if he needs any help. The implication is that Frank is trying to prevent Harry from doing something he'll regret—torturing the killer. As Harry marches toward the killer with his gun drawn, he yells back to his partner, "Go on out and get some air, Fatso!"
THE BAD NEWS: The big problem here is, I don't know anybody with the nickname "Fatso". I don't even know anybody fat enough to warrant such a nickname. Next, my "Fatso" would need to be my partner in something. I suppose it's possible that one day in the future, I could have a heavyset man as a writing partner on a screenplay, and the producer does something to piss me off. Brandishing my Mont Blanc, I head towards the producer's office. I see my partner following me, so I say, "Go on out and get some air, Fatso!" But I'm a realist. Chances are, this won't happen. However, if it does, I'll be ready.
THE MOVIE: Used CarsTHE LINE: "Now wait just a goddamn minute, what the hell is this? Is this a 1977 Mercedes SEL convertible for twenty-four thousand dollars? That's too fuckin' high!"
THE SITUATION: In the film, one of the used cars salesmen, Jeff, disguises himself in western garb, calls himself "Marshall Lucky" and, with the help of Lenny & Squiggy, interrupts a Presidential address to do a guerilla car commercial. Jeff then proceeds to shoot a bunch of cars on the competing lot across the strip, culminating in the above exclamation before blowing up a particularly overpriced automobile.
THE BAD NEWS: Lots of problems with this one. For starters, I don't sell used cars, and I never have. I dislike selling of any kind, so that's a major drawback. Second, even if I did sell used cars for a living, and even if I were willing to dress up as a mock "marshall" and jam a Presidential address for free airtime, I doubt I'd ever find a 1977 Mercedes SEL convertible for $24,000. And if I did happen to find such a gem at that price, I'd probably buy it, not blow it up. Finally, there's that dynamite issue again, which I don't see a way past.
THE MOVIE: The NaturalTHE LINE: "You've got a gift, Roy, but it's not enough. You've got to develop yourself. Rely too much on your gift, and you'll fail."
THE SITUATION: In the film, Roy Hobbs's father is playing catch with him, and he sees his son's potential.
THE BAD NEWS: Besides the rub with the name again (Roy), in order for this line to really work, it needs to be used in the context of sports, not day-trading. And with sports, it would have to be a classic sport, not something like Jai-alai. Also, I don't plan on having children, so unless a "surprise" happens along, I wouldn't get to use this line in its most "natural" (ha-ha) context.
THE MOVIE: GoldfingerTHE LINE: "Ah, but you're forgetting one thing...if I fail to report, double-oh-eight replaces me."
THE SITUATION: In the film, Bond is strapped down to Goldfinger's laser-cutter and is desperately trying to give the villain a reason to release him.
THE BAD NEWS: Although my Social Security number starts with "007", even if I were one day captured by a megalomaniac, I doubt he would use my SSN as the means to identify me; and even if he did, he'd know how unlikely it was that my replacement's SSN would start with "008". You just can't win.
THE MOVIE: The UntouchablesTHE LINE: "You wanna get Capone? Here's how you get him. He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue! That's the Chicago way! And that's how you get Capone!"
THE SITUATION: Malone, the beat cop played by Sean Connery, is instructing wet-behind-the-ears Treasury Officer Ness on the lengths he'll need to go to if he wants to get Capone. I love everything David Mamet has ever written, and the fact that he sets this short scene in a church makes it all the more ironic and delicious.
THE BAD NEWS: While it's certainly possible that an antagonist named Capone could surface in my life sometime in the future, it wouldn't make sense for me to say, "That's the Chicago way...," and without that part, the entire line loses its force. Mamet has constructed a tidy little self-referential argument here, and substituting another three-syllable place name like "Wash-ing-ton" or "Man-hat-tan" just wouldn't work.
THE MOVIE: The Empire Strikes BackTHE LINE: "We can still outmaneuver 'em!"
THE SITUATION: Han Solo, Chewie and Princess Leia have just escaped from the ice planet Hoth when several star destroyers race in to intercept them. Han realizes he can't outrun the much larger space ships, but he can outmaneuver them, so he sends the Millennium Falcon into a dive. (Seconds later, as two star destroyers scrape against each other, the Admiral aboard one of them announces, "Take evasive action!")
THE BAD NEWS: Plain and simple, I don't have a space ship, and to my knowledge there is no Empire ruling over our galaxy with star destroyers either. The line doesn't work with smaller craft like boats or snowmobiles, so alas, I will never get to use it—at least with the full force of its meaning in the film.